Jennifer 的个人资料jennaveves照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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7月21日 ~His~ In the dark silence I resign, From the day to find peace of mind. A break from the stress, A moment of relief. Looking for something to try to stop the grief. The "what if's" that haunt me, And the "how will it end" The "what is" that comforts me Is that what I am, Is His. 5月19日 ~In Your Hand~
~In Your Hand~
I don't think you know me
Even though you think you might
I'd rather walk away from you
Then to remain and fight
Hurting you wasn't an option
Rather a matter of time
Though I thought we could remain civil
Somewhere in my mind.
I see now that its impossible
And honestly I understand
It hurts when someone takes from you
What you had thought to have held in your hand.
~jenn 3月25日 Seasons Change
Snow, I remember when I first saw it. It was beautiful, and even though I've seen it many times in my short twenty-three years, it never fails to captivate me, and take over my thought process. What exactly was going to happen? Would it be pretty but light, and not last but a few hours? Or would it stay longer, for maybe days, weeks, or even months? At the time, I didn't know, nor did I care. I was just happy to finally see it, and I knew I'd enjoy it, no matter the length of time it stayed.
The funny thing about it is, I don't think I knew how much I missed it until I realized how long it had been since I'd seen it. I thought I had been ok without it, life even seemed better, but I think that's just a lie that we tell ourselves. The truth is, once it arrived, I didn't want it to leave.
I've always liked snow, loved it even, but this time, it just seemed different. It fell so innocently and soft and left me with wonder. I felt as if maybe, winter was my favorite season.
There are always concerns, but most everyone has those. It might not even bother you personally, but if you're someone that's been in an accident before, or if you've fallen because of it's frozen beauty, it only causes more worry. That's me. With every passing year, I find myself growing older. I have to think about what happens "if". I have to take care of myself. I can't take as many risks, and because of that I hold back, not always enjoying it as I once did.
The snow lasted for a few months this time. It seems that in an attempt to protect myself I caused myself more hurt The day the sun came out to melt it was one of the saddest days of my life. It shouldn't have been melting, it didn't seem nearly warm enough, but it was, and there wasn't anything that I could do to stop it.
Even though I'm still sad, and will be for a while, I find comfort though in knowing seasons change. We might be approaching spring time, but soon it will be winter again. Until then, I can look out the window, picture the ground covered in white, and remember the last time it snowed.
~jenn
*Pictures courtsey of www.SnowCrystals.com
2月19日 What I do knowWhat is about the blanket of night that makes everything worse than it was before the sun went down? I don't pretend to know.
I don't even pretend to know what I want to say as I type this.
So let me tell you what I do know.
Things that you can't change aren't worth losing sleep over. Things that you can change are.
Mistakes can't be undone. Thats why they're called mistakes.
Childhood crushes can sometimes survive into adulthood, and sometimes they even turn into friendships.
Knowing almost everything about someone can be a bad thing.
Losing your temper, can lead to losing someone you love.
Loving someone from a distance is hard.
A Second chance is a privilege not a requirement.
Learing all this...... took a long time.
~jenn
11月27日 Growing Up
I'm not sure when it happened, only that it did. My siblings it seems, have grown up. Sadly so have I. This seems like an obvious statement I know, and in some ways it is. It became more apparent to me though recently. Tuesday, I was anxious to get home from job number two, eat something, and then go to bed. I spent most of the day befpre cleaning my apartment and decorating for Christmas. Normally I would've waited until after Thanksgiving, but for some reason, I've really been looking foward to Christmas this year, so I couldn't wait to put the tree up. Annie didn't participate in the event, choosing to sleep on my bed instead while I assembled it. When she woke up and came out to see what I was doing she still didn't look impressed which I was thankfull for. This is her first Christmas with me, so I was a little concered that she'd want to climb it. When I walked in the door and saw that the tree was still in the upright and locked position I was thrilled and wondered why I had been worried at all. I called my mom and dad's to see if my Mom and my sister were home yet since the trip had been made to get her from school that morning. My brother answered and told me that he wasn't sure where they were at the time, but that they weren't home yet. I started to fix something to eat and called mom's cell phone. My very tired little sister answered and we talked for a few minutes before I discovered the mess. All over the comforter I had just put on my bed, and all the way down to the matress cover, was wet. Annie's stomach didn't agree with something that she had eaten, and the evidence of that fact was now covering my once clean bed. I hung up with Ash as I began to clean up. At first I thought I would like a few minutes to throw things around in frustration, but decided instead to call my brother back. He answered and I told him what had happened. He did his best I think to not laugh, but after a few minutes I had to agree with him. Irony is funny. Things never happen when you want them to (although in this case when would you WANT that to happen). Over the next two hours we talked about just about everything. We're pretty close, and I found myself feeling better for talking to him. He has a gift of witt, much like my sister's only with a layer of sarcasum drizzled over it. I laughed pretty hard at several things he told me, and then the topic eventually turned to Thursday. So, are you coming down tomorrow night or are you gonna wait till Thrusday? I'm not sure yet, you know I like to sleep in my own bed. Yeah I know. You should come down Wednesday night though. Yeah, well maybe I will. You bringing anybody? Not that I know of. I'm gonna go to Jenna's after lunch. Jenna's? On Thanksgiving? Why? Oh I guess you're upset about it now too huh? How is that so different from when you used to go to Kenny's? No, I'm not upset, just kinda sad. It's not different. I'm just older. Our conversation had confirmed what had I had begun to realize while I was at my parents a few days before. We were growing up. While dusting the pictures scattered throughout their house, I took more time then was needed. No longer just cleaning, every photo that I looked at brought back a place in time. I wondered how my quiet little sister had ever come out of her shell, and on stage of all places. I thought about the ton's of friends that she'd made since going to college, and wondered when my brother had started to shave. I wondered what if felt like to have your older sister leave home when you weren't finished growing up yet, and what it was like to have to call her to talk, rather then just walk downstairs to her room. I wondered when my brother had gotten taller then me, and what it must be like for him now that his other sister was gone from home too? I thought about the first visit home after Ash had gone to college, and how I had cried on the way home knowing things would never be the same, and I thought about all the times that I had left my family to spend time with someone who in the end, didn't really love me. I talked a while longer with him before we hung up, deciding to keep my thoughts my own, knowing that him figuring it out himself, was a part of both of us growing up. ~jenn 11月11日 This Time
~This Time~
This time I've given up,
This time I'm almost sure,
In my mind where I saw you and me,
I now only see you and her.
The tears don't come as often,
and I don't wait for your call,
my emotions have dried up and blown away
like the leaves on the trees in the fall.
This time I won't be available
when you have nothing else to do
This time you might wonder why
the someone on my mind isn't you.
~jenn
10月9日 Wake me up, when September ends.The above line might have been written just for me. Last month was not something I care to go through again. Are your seatbelts fastened? You're going to need them, and you think I'm kidding.
The following is a timeline of true events. (These are just the ones that I can remember)
9-2 I was to meet my brother for lunch. I walked to my car that afternoon to discover that a combination of foggy rainy mornings, no "lights on" warning in the car, and me being in a hurry resulted in my battery being dead. No matter, he is able to leave the restaraunt to come and get me. A later mistake results in my car going from, very little life, to no life at all. I'm not able to use my doorlocks, or move my car back into the parking space that it had been in previously. I sat in on my car, and waited for the towtruck to arrive. Not exactly sure what had happened, but guessing it was going to be expensive. The repair shop in the area is swamped, and advised me that they aren't able to LOOK at my car until the following week.(It's Labor Day weekend after all) A repair shop a little further away tells me that they may be able to look at it. The tow truck drops the car and I off, and I sit in the waiting room until someone was able to come and get me.
Once I got a ride back to work, I wait for Monica to get off at midnight. I was planning on staying with her, so that I could have a ride to work in the morning.
9-3. The car was able to be fixed. Thiry dollars later, it turned out to be a fuse, and I had it back less then 24 hours from the time I dropped it off. :) Yeah!
9-11. I'm watching tv and the phone rings. A number that I don't recognize, so I don't answer. After 2-3 more calls from the same number I answer, thinking it might be one of my friends.
Hello?
(Female Voice) Do you know a ______ _______?
No.
Well your number has appeared on my caller id several times.
At first it really didn't register with me who she was referring to, by then it was too late to backtrack. The ambassadors girlfriend that he had "broken up with" was now calling my phone. I repeated that I was sure I didn't know him and we hung up.
The end?
Hardly
She called several more times that night, the last one being at about two in the morning. She left a long message telling me that he lived with her and blah blah blah. I couldn't help but think that if she was as smart as she thought she was, she would have noticed that the last time he called was 2 or 3 months ago. Even then, I had sent him to voicemail.
9-12 I found out that a friend of mine was in a near fatal motorcycle accident the night before. He had been life flighted to a hospital in Columbus. Johnnie drove me to see him after work. He looked better then he should have for a guy that had come so close to death. We walked out with him that night, less than 24 hours after he got there. Even though he still in a lot of pain, he's doing better now.
9-13 Johnnie and I are at lunch and my phone rings again. The same number that had shown a few nights previous. A brief conversation with Johnnie made me answer it.
Hello?
Yeah, I spoke to you the other night and you said you didn't know ______. You didn't have to lie to me, if you had just told me that you knew him...
Ok.. I do know OF him. I don't KNOW him. I did talk to him until he told me that he had a girlfriend. I basically told him he was a looser, and if you'll notice the last time he called me, the call was less then a minute long. I sent him to voice mail.
She said that she did notice, and was just calling to say that she was sorry for being so upset when she had called the night before. I told her it was ok, that I had been in a similar situation before, and I understood. We hung up and thankfully, that was the end of it. If I ever see him again.....
9-16 After ALOT of talking, I agreed to go to a party that a friend of a friends was having. His roomate was going to be there and he wanted us to meet, thinking we might hit it off. I finally gave in, thinking it wouldn't kill me to meet this guy. I got in right away after getting there since they had VIP, and his roommate was really nice. One of the guys there kept making eye contact, and eventually made his way over to talk to me. I wasn't very impressed, and even less impressed when the party broke up and I found myself alone with this guy. I said something about having to get up the next morning, and got out of there as fast as I could.
9-18 The day that mom had been warning me about finally came to pass. Annie was in heat. She was pretty vocal about it too; enough that I was worried about the neighbors hearing her. I thought maybe I could deal with it though.
9-19 I didn't get much sleep the night before because of the cat. I looked online to see how long this could last. It said anywhere from 4-10 days, but that it could happen every few weeks. I still thought maybe I could live with it, at least until I got back from vacation. I went to work both jobs, and came home to the crying cat, thinking that I would need to get this take care of as soon as possible.
9-20 I got about 2 hours of sleep the night before, and that combined with about 12 hours of work wasn't working for me. I think I might have even hung out with Johnnie that night, trying to avoid going home as long as possible.
9-21 I was almost in tears the next morning. I woke up every time she cried, and tried to get her to be quiet, both for me and the neighbors. I had been understanding at first. I mean, we're both women right? But that part had passed,. If I didn't do something soon, one of us was going to have to move out. Mom called the vet to see if they could squeeze her in, and they said they could. I drove her to mom and dad's that night.
She hates car rides, and meowed the whole way there, which was ok. It was NOTHING compared to the racket that she was making at my house. She was quiet though once I brought her in the house. Nothing like a little bit of irony to a story huh? I enjoyed the silence I had on the way home, and the silence that I had once I got in the house even more. I slept better that night than I had in awhile.
9-22 I get in my car the next morning to a very unpleasant smell. I wasn't sure yet what it was. I thought maybe I had spilled the food that mom had sent home with me the night before. Then it hit me. She was scared the night before, and lost control of her bladder in the carrier, it somehow managed to get transfered to my car seat. I bought several things to try to get it out. It's been masked a little bit, but it still smells kind of weird.
I drove to mom and dad's the next night after working both jobs so that she could come home. When I saw how pathetic she looked laying on the couch, I almost felt bad.
Almost.
The month ended alot better than it started though. I just got back from sunny Florida. :)
More on that later. :)
~jenn
9月23日 Song for the momentI love this song, so I had to share.
~jenn
Far Away - Nickelback
This time, This place 9月11日 The day the world went crazy
Ask anyone. Anyone at all, and they'll tell you where they were, and what they were doing.
I was eighteen years old, and employed by a local bank at the time. Normally, I wouldn't have had to be at work until eight-thirty, but all employees were required to be downtown at seven-thirty for a meeting. I was early, and so were a few of the other girls from my office. I remember how cold it was that morning as we waited to get in the building. I could even tell you what I was wearing.
The meeting went by quickly. I was scheduled to visit the office downtown for training because of a new computer system. The training session was located in the basement of that building, and I remembered feeling relieved that it was almost exactly the same format as the system we were using currently. The steps to the room downstairs were visible from my seat, and I remember the look on his face as he came down the stairs.
A plane just hit the World Trade Center!
A plane?!?
Turn on the tv, I'm serious.
Once the TV was turned on and CNN was located, the picture in front of us was exactly as he had said. Smoke poured from one of the towers.
It had to be a mistake right? Some goofy pilot made a tragic mistake. Why would he be flying a plane so low in the city? The room had grown tense with questions and side conversations. None of us thought it could get any worse when the second plane hit.
I remember driving to the office, and turning on the radio to hear music. MUSIC? Didn't they know people were dying? Why wasn't there news on?
I thought maybe the office would be closed. I couldn't imagine working under these conditions, but we carried on much like any other day.
When I got to work, I was informed of the heightened security. I was to keep even my top drawer locked at all times. In my inbox, an email full of precautions awaited me. I scanned over it as talk of robberies, and gas prices soaring filled my ears. Had the world finally gone crazy? My manager had pulled our tv out from the break room and tried unsuccessfully to move the rabbit ears in such a way to be able to find a signal. We could hear what was being said, but the grey and white lines blocked out what we knew was no longer there. In just hours from the first attack, a third plane had hit the pentagon, a fourth had missed its target, presumably the White House, the great twin towers in New York had fallen. Thousands of people were now dead.
I drove home to find the tv on, and I remember sitting down in front of it with my dinner. That night was one of the few times none of us argued over what to watch. As morbid as the scene was, we couldn't pull our eyes away from it. It didn't seem possible. What had we done to provoke such an attack?
The next day we attended a church service downtown. We heard of heroic acts that took place, and people that should have been at work that morning and weren't. Oversleeping, a brief illness, and calling off were a just few reasons why.
I won't ever forget the bagpipes I heard that night, or how cold it was walking back to the car. I'll never forget crying; not just for all the people that had died, but in the manner in which they did. They were just like me. They didn't put themselves unnecessiarily at risk. They went to work, to pay bills, to go home, and spend time with their families. Families that would never see them again.
I found myself in the movie theater a few weeks ago when World Trade Center was released. I've been told I'm crazy for wanting to go see it, because of the depressing nature. I saw it anyway. Not because I wanted to be depressed, or because I was trying to help the box office ratings. I went to see it because I never want to forget that day. I never want to forget that freedom isn't free, and that tomorrow isn't promised.
~jenn
9月7日 Flying Lessons and Plastic Bags
The weekend was stressful, but I've put it off. All weekend I put it off, and I really didn't have an excuse. I guess there's just something about working retail and not wanting to "work it again" when I get home. I keep the dreaded laundry basket hidden behind the bi-fold doors that contain my washer and dryer. I'm not ashamed to say that if you came to my house and opened those doors, that you'd see a moutain higher then most natural land formations. It's safe to say that I don't like folding clothes.
I finally got around to them though Monday night after the rest of the house was clean. I've had the windows open for the last few days because of how cool its been here in the evenings. I even opened up the sliding glass door, and left the screen open for Annie. Since I live on the second floor, I didn't think much about her walking out on the porch and playing, especially with the added bonus of having her out from under my feet for a little while.
She came back in after fifteen minutes to show me the moth she caught, and to torture it in my living room. Shortly afterwards, she went back outside and I finished folding the towels in my basket. Monica called and we had been talking for a while when I told her I left the door open for Annie. Monica seemed to think that I needed to worry about her thinking she could fly. As sister's often do, I disagreed. She wouldn't do that. I'm on the second floor. Once we hung up though I looked out on the porch. No cat.
I walked out on the porch and called her. I didn't hear her pathetic meow right away, but when I saw her I felt bad. She was hiding behind the bushes next to my neighbors patio. Flip flop and a jacket and out the door I went to retrieve the prodigal.
Sounds simple right?
Guess again.
I don't know if she liked her freedom that much, or if it had more to do with her free fall, but she wouldn't come to me. In fact she ran from me. Here I am, it's after ten o'clock, and I'm chasing a cat in the dark. Any of the neighbors that peeked out their windows to see why I was yelling my head off had to have enjoyed what they saw. She went one way and I went the other, looking more like a field rabbit than my house cat.
Just about the time that thoughts of leaving the black and white flash of fur outside, she finally got close enough to me to grab her, and back into the house we went. I figured she'd had enough excitement in her life this week after that but I was wrong.
I also keep my plastic bags from my groceries behind the bi-fold doors, on the floor between the washer and dryer. Because the space behind the washer and the dryer isn't very big, Annie likes to hide there. Only when I see her arm reach out from under the door do I know to open the door for her. She's had to meow to get out at least twice now. For the reason, I leave it open if I'm in a hurry to leave, since I'd much rather her play back there then be stuck waiting on me to get home and let her out.
I was getting ready to go when I heard all the noise coming from the other room. I knew the situation involved some of the plastic bags because of the sound, but wasn't sure how until I rounded the corner.
She had stepped through the handle of one of the bags, and managed to get it stuck around her waist. The source of the noise was her running through the house with it "chasing her". Poor thing, no matter how fast or hard she ran, or how many times she went around the couch, it wouldn't come off. All I could do was stand and laugh at her. I wouldn't have been able to catch her if I had wanted to.
She made one last round around the couch, and then darted under my bed. Unlike a few nights prior, she didn't run from me when I reached under my bed for her. I pulled the now shreaded plastic bag from around her middle and set her back down. Once she was free, she didn't even give it another look, tearing off towards the kitchen like it might come back. :-)
I'm pretty sure that she lost at least one life this weekend. Good thing for her she has nine of them huh? :-)
~jenn
8月18日 In Blue Ink
I'm telling stories from "when I was younger". I must be getting old.
Nevertheless......
I've always liked guys, which works out nicely since I'm a girl ;-) Seriously though, I don't remember a time when I wasn't at least thinking about them, even as early as kindergarden. At the time, the situation wasn't the least bit funny to me, but since then I've told the story again and again, and Mom and I still laugh. First grade was one of best experiences of my childhood. Back then, all I had to worry about was learning how to write in cursive letters, and whether or not Mom or Dad would take us swimming. I remember liking him when I met him. His name was Clint, and with his dark hair and blue eyes, he captured my little 7 year old heart. I don't know if we actually "went out" or not. I have to laugh writing those words, my mother has commented on that phrase a million times. "Where do gradeschool children "go out" to"? She's right though, but when you're that age, everything is so much more serious than it has to be, your mere existence depends on who you're "going out" with.
We were at on the playground at the elementry school around the corner from my house when he told me he had something to show me. I liked him so of course I was anxious to see what he wanted to show me. I followed him under the large slide. I can still picture it in my mind. It wasn't a traditional slide, it was more of a platform, with an umbrella like top to it. The stairs were located on either side, and an option to climb up to the platform made up the third side, the surface to slide down being the fourth. Because of the platform structure, it was open underneath. Once we were both hidden away from the rest of our classmates he kissed me. I don't remember much about our lips meeting, only that it happened. Of course after it happened, I did what any little person my age would do in my situation.
I told my sister.
I'm not sure if ~don't tell mom~ was disclosed anywhere in our conversation, but I'm sure it was at least implied. Ash and I weren't as good friends then as we are now. Not even close, so she did what any little person her age would do.
She told mom.
Mad doesn't even describe my feelings toward my sister when I was confronted by mom later. I had to tell her exactly what happened, where he kissed me and when. I didn't much like doing that, but after it was over, I figured that was the last I would hear of it.
I still remember my first grade teacher clearly. Mrs. Flower was awesome. The lady taught fractions with 'Little Debbie' cakes, took us on field trips, and on top of that she was beautiful. When mom sent me to school that morning with a note for her, I felt pretty pleased with myself. Who doesn't want their mom and their teacher to be friends?
I proudly presented the note to her just before school started and then took my seat. I can't say I was surprised when she called me to her desk. I was sure that she wanted to ask me what time she should be at our house for dinner that night.
Imagine my shock when she asked me when and where Clint had kissed me. I just stared at her, wondering how she found out. My face has always given away my thoughts, and I'm sure that day was no exception. I didn't consider what the subject of the letter might have been. As smart as I thought I was at that age, I never thought to peek at the note my mom sent with me to see what was written out in blue ink.
Since then Ash has gotten MUCH better at keeping secrets ;-)
~jenn 8月13日 Opportunities
It would have been two years in September since I saw him last. Not that I was in a rush. I wouldn't have minded if I never saw him again. I knew he was going to be there, and for that reason, I gave a lot of thought to the decision that I made to go. He doesn't scare me, intimidate me, or make me long to be with him, (especially not that last one), but for the most part, I figure if it’s possible to avoid an awkward situation, it's probably best to do so. I have never liked confrontation or facing my feelings, unless it's on paper. Recently though, I've put myself in situations that weren't as comfortable, not really for myself but for the other person. I think I kind of enjoy it to an extent (insert evil smile), maybe it has something to do with having a job where you're drawn into verbal arguments, and you can't fight back. Being at the church was sadly strange to me. I felt very much a part of things, but like an outsider at the same time. Things have changed some over the years, but for the most part the basic schedule hasn’t. It’s a three day camp, jam packed with as many things to do, and as much love as it will hold. I have great memories of weekends spent with this group of people, starting from when I was a camper. I don’t know that it gets much better then seeing your ex, UNLESS… it’s looking good, knowing it, and seeing your ex. J Camp had been dismissed and I had stopped to talk someone I knew when I saw him. There he was; the guy whose last name I had come dangerously close to sharing. I felt no emotion when we made eye contact, other then satisfaction that he looked twice. Dating really is a strange ritual. To go from pouring all your emotions thoughts and feelings into one person, just to shift them to another person when things don’t work out is draining emotionally and sometimes even physically, then try throwing a looming wedding into the mix. The funny thing is, without him, I most likely wouldn’t have gone to two proms, homecoming, or any of the high school football games that we did in those three years. There hasn’t been a day that I regretted the decision I made though, not one. After several more failed attempts at exiting the building, my sister and I made our way through the parking lot to my car. I had managed to avoid a confrontation, said both hello and goodbye to my friends and family, and I had made his head turn. Mission accomplished. Now I could go home. On my way to the car was a last ditch effort made to stir things up. He sent one of his henchmen to try to drag some information out of me. Did I know that he and “him” were going to be roommates? What was I doing in my spare time? Where was I living? Where was I working? Nice try buddy. Have a good life. So am I glad I went? Of course, opportunities like that should come along more often. J ~jenn
8月9日 Real Friends
It all started as simple text messages that I chose to ignore. What resulted was the end of a chapter in my life, one that I will have to say I'm glad to have finished.
When I got his phone call a few weeks ago, I knew who he had talked to before he called me, even before I confirmed it with her. That would have been the only logical thing to do. They are in contact constantly, and he knows that she and I still talk. Since it had been years since he and I had spoken, who's to say that I hadn't changed my number in that time. Big difference it would have made reguardless; I'm sure even if I had, she would have justified giving it to him somehow.
Once she admitted to knowing he was going to call me before he did, I decided I didn't want to talk to her for a while. We haven't been close for a long time, maybe even before we moved out of the apartment we shared. I guess living with people will do that to you sometimes, even so it upset me that she would aid him in his quest. A few weeks went by, and she called a few times. When I didn't respond, she sent text messages. In one of the first messages sent she asked me if I was mad at her. This might sound harsh, but for the most part, if you have to ask that question you already know if someone is upset with you After a few more messages along the same line I finally decided to explain to her why I was upset.
I told her that I was confused, that I couldn't understand why she wouldn't suggest to "him" that it might not be a good idea to call me. Her response? She wasn't going to "tell him what to do". I typed back that I understood that, but again, couldn't understand her reasoning. May I mention that I wasn't upset at all to begin with. I figured that we would talk about things eventually, and everything would return to its normal state. That couldn't have been further from the truth. The next message I read, might have been sent from anyone other then a friend, an enemy might have sent something kinder, especially considering that she was there the day that it happened. She felt that I needed to move on, and let go of my anger and bitterness towards him. While that may be a true statement, I'm not going to write a letter of recomendation to local law enforcement, enabling them to place a gun in his hands, which in turn may end someones life prematurely. I wouldn't think that would be so hard to understand, but maybe it is.
Several more hateful messages followed, and I asked her not to contact me any more. She stoped only long enough to call me, and then continued when I didn't answer, criticizing me for allowing her to be transfered to my voice mail; apparently forgeting that I was at work during all this.
When the dust finally settled, about two hours from when it began, I felt... relieved. What started out as a friendship, has felt more like an obligation the last few years. We've grown apart, among other things, and I never had the heart to tell her. Like most other things, I just put up with it, and hoped it would get better. The moral of the story is.... very rarely does it.
Now I can move on and make more room in my life for my real friends.
~jenn
7月21日 For all the memories...
Disclosure: I realize that my subject matter has been sad recently, so I decided to change it up and go with anger this time. ;-) I should return to my normal self after these messages. Every day has been the same the last few weeks. I go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep and then wake up the next morning just to do it all over again. I kept thinking if I waited long enough I would have something to write that would be worth reading. Today was the day. I got ready to go to work, and walked in the door right as the clock flipped to nine thirty, just like always. I don't think I could get there early to save my life. I was looking forward to going to work for once. I liked the outfit I had on, good hair day, and one of the guys I know from Wilmington was there doing a presentation, which meant free lunch. About half way through the morning I pulled my phone out of my purse to see if anyone had called. When I first looked at the number I knew it had to be a mistake. Why would HE call me? We haven't spoken in years, but I know the number. We got our phones at the same time; his was one digit different then mine. He left a message? This ought to be good. I logged off the phone preparing to be entertained. I wasn't let down. His message was a long one. The reason for his call? He needed something from me, which I would have bet money on. I knew he wasn't calling just to shoot the breeze. He told me that when he took the lie detector test as part of process to become a police officer, he had failed because of an answer he had given. The question asked was if he had ever verbally or physically abused someone. He brought up a situation that occurred several years ago and told me that he needed me to write a letter so that he could be reconsidered!?!?!?!? Right. I'm going to write a letter and tell them what? That it never happened? To please, please, please reconsider him, that he didn't mean to grab me as hard as he did. That I didn't have to yell for help from my roommate and her boyfriend because he wouldn't let me out of my room? That he's a great person, and that once I broke off the engagement, he didn't MEAN to not make the payment on the car that we had bought together, because after all we did buy it for me. It's not like we agreed that he would make the payment on the new car until the old car sold, or that I was still making payments on the old car, so that now left me with TWO car payments and TWO insurance payments. Why WOULDN'T I want to write a letter detailing how great of a person he is, and how much of a contribution he's made to my lack of self esteem, not to mention at least ONE other girl that he's dated since we broke up. Are people becoming more and more bold, or is he just too stupid to realize that he should cut his losses and move on. If you want to be a police officer, it’s probably not a good idea to rob a store, become a felon, or mistreat people. Little things like that. Does he really think I’m going to call him back? Let alone write a letter? I suggested to several friends that I would call him back, or maybe even write a letter, telling him why I wouldn’t write the letter that he wanted me to. The end result however was for me to just drop it. If I invest time in either the phone call or the letter, it makes it look like I care enough to waste moments of my life I’ll never get back, and I don’t. He left me with nothing but debt and terrible reminders of why it didn’t work out between us. So, for all the memories he’s given me, he’ll get nothing in return but silence. ~jenn
7月3日 Just Two Words I never thought the day would get here. I expected it to be pushed back, or cancelled altogether. I even thought I might be driving the getaway car, but it happened. It really took place, and I had to sit through it. I think I might have felt better about it if it weren't for the conversation we had a few days before.
When I called him to check on him Thursday, I expected him to be stressed. Stress and weddings go hand in hand. He wasn't just stressed though, he sounded depressed, trapped almost. When I asked him if he was excited he responded that he guessed so.
You guess so?
Yeah, I don't wanna get married Jenn.
What makes people do that? What makes them settle for what they have because its familiar to them? Is it because what they want seems unattainable?
I barely made it in time for the ceremony on Saturday. Some of it wasn't my fault, but the rest was. I didn't buy the card until that day, and then I couldn't think of anything to write. Nothing that was real anyway. Congratulations! (but I don't mean it) I'm sure you'll have a wonderful life together! (but I don't mean it) All you need is eachother! (but I don't mean it)
The truth of the matter was I couldn't imagine them being happy for the rest of their lives, the truth is, they aren't happy now.
When I found my seat, I looked around but didn't see him. Maybe he wasn't going to go through with this. It would be rather gutsy to make that decision the day OF the wedding, but I felt my hopes rise, until I saw him come around the corner. My heart sank. He was going to go through with it. He looked tired and defeated, while she seemed proud of herself. The look on her face reading "gotcha".
I held my breath one last time, as vows were exchanged, maybe just maybe, but he did it. With just two words Jay made his commitment to her. I couldn't believe it. What made this boy give up? Wasn't there another girl in his life besides her? When the reality set it in was hard to fight back the tears. I was to blame for this. What if I had just given him a chance? Would he have still made the choice that he did. Instead here he was, one of the sweetest guys I've ever known, marrying someone that didn't deserve him.
I hadn't planned on staying long at the reception, partly because my dad's birthday happened to fall on the same day, but in reality that was more of an excuse then a reason. I just needed to get out of there. I felt as if I were stuck in a scene from My Best Friend's Wedding, the song playing from the movie didn't help much either. I didn't say much as I watched them dance to their first song. My table mates must have thought I was rude, but I was lost in thought. He looked more happy then he had all afternoon, but I wondered how much his friend Jack Daniels had to do with it. Is that what it was going to take for him to get through this? Would he have been more happy if that had been me and not her?
I was the last one to leave the table that night. I waited around for the Mr. and Mrs, because I wanted to tell him goodbye before I left, but I couldn't find them. I even wondered off in the general direction that they had last been seen, with no luck. My walk back to the car was bittersweet. I was glad to be leaving, to have some time to think about everything that had happened, but at the same time, I knew that after that day things would never be the same.
I realize as your reading this you're wondering if I had feelings for my friend. That's not it at all. The feelings that I had were more guilt then anything. Guilt for wasting a great guy, a guy that really loved me, maybe the only one. A guy that would do anything for me. A guy that wasn't just Jay anymore. He was Sondra's husband now too.
~jenn
6月13日 Once upon a time...Yeah I know, I should be asleep. These days though it seems like I have to sieze an idea when I get it. Wait too long and its gone, which leads to weeks of NOTHING to write about. Things that have happened in my personal life have helped out with that too, but nevermind that for the time.
I guess the title of my entry really sums it up. We all know that opening liner right? It started out with the stories that we all heard our whole childhood, you know the ones. Sure Cinderella and Snow White had it rough to begin with, but their wait was well worth it. For some hard house chores, and taking care of 2 evil step-sisters, 1 evil step-mother, and 7 rough and tumble guys, they got the man of their dreams, a white horse, and a great place to live.
Maybe for guys it's different, but as a little girl, if you asked me what I was going to do when I grew up, it would include at least marriage, and a kid or two. I think most of us knew the castle wasn't an option, but we knew the prince was a certainty.
I guess to an extent I've held on to that, and even though its yet to happen to me, and I have no evil step-mother, I really thought a friend of mine had found her Prince Charming.
We've been friends for a few years, long enough for me to know a little about her dating background, and lets just say it hadn't exactly been a fairytale. When she told me that he had asked her out, and then when she told me they were dating I was thrilled. She's one of my best friends, and he and I were friends also. How often does that happen? Most of the time, your friend dates someone that you CAN'T stand or don't know as well, but that wasn't the case at all here. They were a blast to hang out with, going to clubs and bars. Throw in a few more mutual friends and a dancefloor, and we had all the entertainment we needed.
While I'm sure they had their problems, it never seemed to be anything that they couldn't get past. I guess thats why when she told me a few weeks ago what happened I was shocked.
She broke the news to me as normal and calm as telling me about a trip to the grocery store. The only lead in was "I don't know if you know or not... but" WHAT?? Was she serious?? What happened?? As always she didn't go into alot of detail, being mature enough to realize that it wouldn't do any good to dwell on the facts. They were no longer together, so the reasons why didn't matter.
Even as surprising as it was, I thought they'd be back together soon. Until our conversation a few days ago, which included her suspecting that he is and maybe had been up to something before they broke up.
No way. I wanted to drive to his house and shake him. This was not how it was supposed to go. Didn't he know that he was supposed to ride off into the sunset with her? They were supposed to get married, have lots of kids, and sit on the porch in matching rockers when they got older. What happened to the happy ending?
Maybe this all sounds crazy, but they really were my last hope that everyone has a soulmate out there, that a male and a female can have respect for eachother, get along, and be faithful, for as long as they both shall live.
She is true quality, she's beautiful, talented, smart, and funny. I can't imagine what happened to make him change his mind about how he felt. This is a huge pet peeve for me. Why is it that quality girls are tossed away for a cheap thrill that's only good for today? Why is it that to most men, quanity is better then quaility?
Why is it that a story only has a happy ending if it starts with "Once upon a time"...?
~jenn 6月11日 Housework Made DifficultPart of the reason I was hesitant about getting a little furry something at first, no matter how much fun I thought it might be, was that I didn't want my cozy little apartment to smell like there was an animal here, and the potential for me to come home, and lets just say, things not be as I left them. I like to walk in the door, and see my sofa sitting on all four legs, the dishes put away, (or more recently in the sink) but you get the point.
Poor Annie's belly was bothering her at first when she got here, and there were days she would leave "surprises" for me. Luckily I saw them before I felt them. More recently though, she's been better about it, and so far (cross my fingers, knock on wood, all that good stuff) she's managed to avoid my furniture.
I say all that to say this.
I woke up today, and decided that I was finally tired of looking at the dishes in the sink, and the clothes in my basket, and I got to work.
Once I finished the dishes I threw a load of laundry in the washer, and started to hang up the clothes that needed to go in the closet. The candle that I had on the warmer had lost its smell, so I decied to remove it, and put another one in its place. It was about medium sized, and a nice red color. Mom gave me the candle warmer a few months ago, and I love it, because even if its a candle that you can't light anymore, you can still use it. I've almost quit lighting candles all together since they smell better longer on the warmer.
I was about half way through hanging up the clothes when I started to smell the candle. Pleased with myself, that not only was I going to have a good looking place when I was finished, it would also smell good, I went to retrieve some more hangers to finish the job before me. On my way back to the living room, something smelled, .... funny, almost like something was burning. I sat the hangers on the table and went to investigate. The warmer had a red liquid oozing from underneath the candle. The next few actions only took a few seconds. I guess I did what anybody would have done, I picked the candle up off the warmer and looked at the bottom for the reason to its "bleeding". I didn't see a hole in the bottom of the jar, I saw several large cracks. The piece that had wanted so badly to make an exit landed on the counter, and i leaned toward the sink,.... too late. The whole bottom of the candle jar gave way and forensic evidence landed everywhere. My shirt protected my carpet, as did a large portion of my counter and sink, some even made it onto the wall. Did I mention I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen, or that this candle was a nice RED color? I stood there a few moments, looking at the disaster in disbelief.
Several paper towels, a knife, a scotch brite pad, and thirty minutes later, the crime scene that once had been my kitchen was returned to its normal state.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I wish I would have taken a picture so that you could have gotten the full effect. :-) It really looked like it should have been bordered by yellow tape.
All this time, I was worried about her, when I could make something larger, and more difficult to clean then she ever could.
I have to go finish cleaning my house now. :-)
~jenn
6月10日 No InspirationI don't really have a subject, but thought I'd catch you up on some of the goings on since I wrote last. You'd think I'd have inspiration at one in the morning right, especially after a long work day? Yeah I'd think so too, the only inspiration though that I have at the moment is knowing that my bed isn't too far of a walk, and that I can wake up alarm clock free tomorrow. Even with some great music playing this morning I found it hard to get out of bed. I guess it might have something to do with knowing that once I leave, I won't be back for about 12 hours or so. I don't think she likes it much either.
Oh, she's still here, for those of you who don't already know. The ball of fur survived the 48 hour period, and she's now offically my roomate. I think I missed having someone around to talk to, even if she doesn't talk back to me, at least I feel better talking to her then myself.
She's taken over a small cardboard box, a two foot wide five foot long section at the end of my bed, and my lap whenever she feels it nessicarry no matter what I'm doing, She drinks the milk off my lucky charms, and she owns five, wait.. now four fake fuzzy mice,(one of them is MIA) in several lovely, but unrealistic colors. Overall I think she's pretty happy here.
I decided after some consideration that her name should be Annie. Like little orphan annie, since she showed up at mom and dads in the rain. Go on and gag if you want, :-) I thought it was cute.
I might as well confess now, I've been slacking. I haven't been to the gym in about three weeks due to lots of things, one of which (the excuse for this week) is just laziness. I was doing well until the business trip, (where I DID have access to the gym at the hotel and didn't go), and then the week I came back I was sick. Something about feeling like you're going to be sick just takes all the fun out of running, and then of course to top it all off, we have the issue of trying to avoid being the object of DDR's (dance dance revolution, thanks ash and chels) affection. (So far we'll say that mission has been successful.)
I plan to start again next week anew, but until Monday I have decided to listen to my stomach rather then my head, and so far, I've been bad, VERY bad. :-) I sit here almost laughing while I write this, in my head the above line makes it sound like I've robbed a bank.
Reguardless though of how I'm eating and even if I don't loose any pounds/inches, I feel much better when I workout three times a week, then I do when I don't go at all. So why is it SO hard to go?
I'll keep you posted. I'm going to bed now. :-)
~jenn
5月30日 The AmbassadorYeah remember how I said I wasn't going to settle for anything besides the expensive pizza's?
So I lied.
With the commitment to the gym that I've made, I've seen "Mr. Fake Pizza" several times since I told him that I really couldn't talk to him because of his attachment. I didn't figure it would kill me to talk to him, nothing wrong with being polite right? Yeah, yeah I know.
I'm done talking to him now though for sure. Why? His performance Saturday night sealed his fate.
He's called a few times over the last few months and even stopped over. I've liked talking to him and he in no way seemed weird or gave me any insight of things to come. Like a friend of mine once said though, you never meet the person that you think you're talking to, you meet their ambassador first.
Saturday evening I'm talking to my friend Jennifer on the phone when I hear a knock at the door around 10. I had decided to get ready to go out, even though I hadn't really made any plans yet, so when he showed up (telling me about how he and the girlfriend broke up) and asking if I wanted to go up to the local bar I made the choice to go.
The first tip off should have been him goofing around in my living room with the music on. I knew the song, he however did not, and the dance moves were looking more like a kick boxing tape then something you would see performed to music, especially in public. I let it go though figuring that he was just having a good time, and I continued to get ready to go.
When we got there, we found a gap at the bar, squeezed in and ordered our drinks. I love to dance and don't need any alcohol to do so, so that step could have been skiipped completely, especially since he didn't NEED anything more to drink, or maybe that was the problem, maybe he really DID need something else to drink.
He decides about half way through his beverage, that he's ready to dance, so we made our way to the floor. What I wittnessed next was like something out of a horror movie. His "moves" included a kick, some jumping and a lot of fast lip moving to what I'm not sure because he didn't know the words to the songs that played, NOR could he sing. The thing is, if you can't sing that's alright, that's not the problem here. The problem was the fact that he couldn't sing, didn't know the words, but he kept repeating over and over that he could sing. I'd like to blame this on the drinks, but we were together long enough that the temporary loss of sanity should have worn off.
I have never watched a clock when I've been out EVER. Saturday night though, the glowing red lights couldn't have moved slower, and i was thanking God that we hadn't gotten there any earlier then we did. I kept thinking that I needed to get ahold of him and slow him down or something, but there was nothing I could do. It was like a terrible accident, you didn't want to watch, but somehow you couldn't take your eyes off of it, and from the all the stares that were making holes in the back of my head, I figured I must not be the only one that felt that way.
Like all uncomforable experiences though it FINALLY came to an end. We got back to the car, and he suggested going to the store to get something else to drink. I nicely told him that he could get something to drink, but that I had somewhere to go the next day (lie) and that I wouldn't be drinking. He said that was fine, so we drove to the store up the road. I parked the car, and before we went in he pulled a few cd cases out of the back seat, telling me how much he liked music, and wanting to sing something for me.
I have never wanted out of somewhere so bad. The song that he picked was an old R. Kelly song. I would tell you which song, but I can't even say the name of it out loud without a full body shiver, so I'll save you the grief that it would surely cause you as well.
He had asked me earlier that night if he could sleep on my couch, to which I had responded *ell no, and wouldn't you know he brought it up again there in the parking lot after his solo. When I responded with the same answer he suddenly didn't need anything else to drink and so I drove as quickly as I could back to the apartment. My couch????? I mean seriously, I might have been born recently but not yesterday.
Even all that wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't have kept telling me what a good singer/dancer he was, almost like he was trying to convince himself rather than me, oh yeah and the whole sleeping on my couch thing. CREEPY.
He's been over several times since then, and he's even called but I can't bring myself to answer the phone. Even if he looked like ______ (insert your favorite celeb here) I couldn't go out with him again. His ambassador maybe, but not him.
~jenn 5月13日 The RoommateFor the next few days I'm going to have a roommate, for right now this is temporary, but it could become permanent. I've tried it before and didn't like it much, but this is a bigger apartment, so I'm hoping it will be different this time. Most of the time I like being by myself, but I like having company too. Chances are, most of the time I probably won't even know she's there. I guess she doesn't talk much, so this might work out just fine. I'm not real sure what her name is yet since I haven't actually met her but I get to meet her tonight after I get done at the gym. She and mom are going to meet me about half way between my apartment and home, and I'm pretty excited. No I haven't lost my mind. " She" is a feline. I've always loved cats, ever since I was little. I remember asking mom and dad if I could have one, but the answer was always no. My little sister had allergies really bad, and even though we had a dog, inside and the cat it was going to be an outside cat, we weren't sure if it would aggravate her more. I prayed and prayed for one of the little balls of fur, and for years the only thing that came close was a card that I got for my 9th birthday.
Until, one day, I remember it pretty vividly, a black and white, short haired cat, probably about a year old or so came walking down the sidewalk, right toward me. I don't even remember how I convinced mom and dad to let me keep him, but somehow he was allowed to stay.
Originally named Candy because he was thought to be of the female persuasion, having him around was like having another sibling. Ash and I dressed him in our cabbage patch doll's clothes, and pushed him around the back yard in her doll carriage. You could hold him like a baby and he would sleep or sit on your lap for a long time. Of all the weird non-cat like things about him, he would drool when he got really happy. That was THE grossest thing EVER, especially if he thought you needed a bath. He'd want up in your lap, and then he'd get right in your face with his little rough pink tongue and with all that water leaking out of his mouth, to attempt to clean you right around your hair line. An act of kindness? Yes, but gross nonetheless.
By the time we moved from the house that I grew up in, we had three of them all together. Canner (not real sure how that came about but we could leave him with the name Candy) Stripy, and Porky. Stripy came to us too. I don't know that there was much divine intervention there though. The neighbor’s cat had kittens, and she was one of them, only when she showed up she was "with children” herself. She had four of them all together; Porky was hers as was Gray Lady. The other two we had to give away, and as a kid, that was one of the hardest things I had to do. Gray Lady was sick often though and the last time she had pneumonia, she couldn't seem to get over it. When we came back from vacation that summer she was gone.
We stayed with my grandparents for a while, during mom and dad house shopping, and the three of them went with us. We weren't there very long, (even though it seemed like it) when mom and dad found the house that they live in today. We had moved a lot of the stuff to the house, and the day we went back to get our animals, (the three cats, and Amber, our dog), Canner wasn't there.
We called his name, and looked all over for him. I'm sure it was months before I finally admitted to myself that he was gone. I still don't know what happened to him. If I had to guess I would say somebody called him, showed him some attention, and he went with them. Especially since we never found him anywhere; he was just like that too. The same thing might have even happened when he came to me. Maybe somebody else somewhere needed him.
So now, 14 years later here I am again, thinking about getting a buddy, and this little thing shows up at mom and dads, just when I needed a roommate. :-)
~jenn Ps. I'll keep you posted. |
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