Jennifer 的个人资料jennaveves照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
jennavevesUnforgetable, but hard to remember
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7月21日 ~His~ In the dark silence I resign, From the day to find peace of mind. A break from the stress, A moment of relief. Looking for something to try to stop the grief. The "what if's" that haunt me, And the "how will it end" The "what is" that comforts me Is that what I am, Is His. 5月19日 ~In Your Hand~
~In Your Hand~
I don't think you know me
Even though you think you might
I'd rather walk away from you
Then to remain and fight
Hurting you wasn't an option
Rather a matter of time
Though I thought we could remain civil
Somewhere in my mind.
I see now that its impossible
And honestly I understand
It hurts when someone takes from you
What you had thought to have held in your hand.
~jenn 3月25日 Seasons Change
Snow, I remember when I first saw it. It was beautiful, and even though I've seen it many times in my short twenty-three years, it never fails to captivate me, and take over my thought process. What exactly was going to happen? Would it be pretty but light, and not last but a few hours? Or would it stay longer, for maybe days, weeks, or even months? At the time, I didn't know, nor did I care. I was just happy to finally see it, and I knew I'd enjoy it, no matter the length of time it stayed.
The funny thing about it is, I don't think I knew how much I missed it until I realized how long it had been since I'd seen it. I thought I had been ok without it, life even seemed better, but I think that's just a lie that we tell ourselves. The truth is, once it arrived, I didn't want it to leave.
I've always liked snow, loved it even, but this time, it just seemed different. It fell so innocently and soft and left me with wonder. I felt as if maybe, winter was my favorite season.
There are always concerns, but most everyone has those. It might not even bother you personally, but if you're someone that's been in an accident before, or if you've fallen because of it's frozen beauty, it only causes more worry. That's me. With every passing year, I find myself growing older. I have to think about what happens "if". I have to take care of myself. I can't take as many risks, and because of that I hold back, not always enjoying it as I once did.
The snow lasted for a few months this time. It seems that in an attempt to protect myself I caused myself more hurt The day the sun came out to melt it was one of the saddest days of my life. It shouldn't have been melting, it didn't seem nearly warm enough, but it was, and there wasn't anything that I could do to stop it.
Even though I'm still sad, and will be for a while, I find comfort though in knowing seasons change. We might be approaching spring time, but soon it will be winter again. Until then, I can look out the window, picture the ground covered in white, and remember the last time it snowed.
~jenn
*Pictures courtsey of www.SnowCrystals.com
2月19日 What I do knowWhat is about the blanket of night that makes everything worse than it was before the sun went down? I don't pretend to know.
I don't even pretend to know what I want to say as I type this.
So let me tell you what I do know.
Things that you can't change aren't worth losing sleep over. Things that you can change are.
Mistakes can't be undone. Thats why they're called mistakes.
Childhood crushes can sometimes survive into adulthood, and sometimes they even turn into friendships.
Knowing almost everything about someone can be a bad thing.
Losing your temper, can lead to losing someone you love.
Loving someone from a distance is hard.
A Second chance is a privilege not a requirement.
Learing all this...... took a long time.
~jenn
11月27日 Growing Up
I'm not sure when it happened, only that it did. My siblings it seems, have grown up. Sadly so have I. This seems like an obvious statement I know, and in some ways it is. It became more apparent to me though recently. Tuesday, I was anxious to get home from job number two, eat something, and then go to bed. I spent most of the day befpre cleaning my apartment and decorating for Christmas. Normally I would've waited until after Thanksgiving, but for some reason, I've really been looking foward to Christmas this year, so I couldn't wait to put the tree up. Annie didn't participate in the event, choosing to sleep on my bed instead while I assembled it. When she woke up and came out to see what I was doing she still didn't look impressed which I was thankfull for. This is her first Christmas with me, so I was a little concered that she'd want to climb it. When I walked in the door and saw that the tree was still in the upright and locked position I was thrilled and wondered why I had been worried at all. I called my mom and dad's to see if my Mom and my sister were home yet since the trip had been made to get her from school that morning. My brother answered and told me that he wasn't sure where they were at the time, but that they weren't home yet. I started to fix something to eat and called mom's cell phone. My very tired little sister answered and we talked for a few minutes before I discovered the mess. All over the comforter I had just put on my bed, and all the way down to the matress cover, was wet. Annie's stomach didn't agree with something that she had eaten, and the evidence of that fact was now covering my once clean bed. I hung up with Ash as I began to clean up. At first I thought I would like a few minutes to throw things around in frustration, but decided instead to call my brother back. He answered and I told him what had happened. He did his best I think to not laugh, but after a few minutes I had to agree with him. Irony is funny. Things never happen when you want them to (although in this case when would you WANT that to happen). Over the next two hours we talked about just about everything. We're pretty close, and I found myself feeling better for talking to him. He has a gift of witt, much like my sister's only with a layer of sarcasum drizzled over it. I laughed pretty hard at several things he told me, and then the topic eventually turned to Thursday. So, are you coming down tomorrow night or are you gonna wait till Thrusday? I'm not sure yet, you know I like to sleep in my own bed. Yeah I know. You should come down Wednesday night though. Yeah, well maybe I will. You bringing anybody? Not that I know of. I'm gonna go to Jenna's after lunch. Jenna's? On Thanksgiving? Why? Oh I guess you're upset about it now too huh? How is that so different from when you used to go to Kenny's? No, I'm not upset, just kinda sad. It's not different. I'm just older. Our conversation had confirmed what had I had begun to realize while I was at my parents a few days before. We were growing up. While dusting the pictures scattered throughout their house, I took more time then was needed. No longer just cleaning, every photo that I looked at brought back a place in time. I wondered how my quiet little sister had ever come out of her shell, and on stage of all places. I thought about the ton's of friends that she'd made since going to college, and wondered when my brother had started to shave. I wondered what if felt like to have your older sister leave home when you weren't finished growing up yet, and what it was like to have to call her to talk, rather then just walk downstairs to her room. I wondered when my brother had gotten taller then me, and what it must be like for him now that his other sister was gone from home too? I thought about the first visit home after Ash had gone to college, and how I had cried on the way home knowing things would never be the same, and I thought about all the times that I had left my family to spend time with someone who in the end, didn't really love me. I talked a while longer with him before we hung up, deciding to keep my thoughts my own, knowing that him figuring it out himself, was a part of both of us growing up. ~jenn 11月11日 This Time
~This Time~
This time I've given up,
This time I'm almost sure,
In my mind where I saw you and me,
I now only see you and her.
The tears don't come as often,
and I don't wait for your call,
my emotions have dried up and blown away
like the leaves on the trees in the fall.
This time I won't be available
when you have nothing else to do
This time you might wonder why
the someone on my mind isn't you.
~jenn
10月9日 Wake me up, when September ends.The above line might have been written just for me. Last month was not something I care to go through again. Are your seatbelts fastened? You're going to need them, and you think I'm kidding.
The following is a timeline of true events. (These are just the ones that I can remember)
9-2 I was to meet my brother for lunch. I walked to my car that afternoon to discover that a combination of foggy rainy mornings, no "lights on" warning in the car, and me being in a hurry resulted in my battery being dead. No matter, he is able to leave the restaraunt to come and get me. A later mistake results in my car going from, very little life, to no life at all. I'm not able to use my doorlocks, or move my car back into the parking space that it had been in previously. I sat in on my car, and waited for the towtruck to arrive. Not exactly sure what had happened, but guessing it was going to be expensive. The repair shop in the area is swamped, and advised me that they aren't able to LOOK at my car until the following week.(It's Labor Day weekend after all) A repair shop a little further away tells me that they may be able to look at it. The tow truck drops the car and I off, and I sit in the waiting room until someone was able to come and get me.
Once I got a ride back to work, I wait for Monica to get off at midnight. I was planning on staying with her, so that I could have a ride to work in the morning.
9-3. The car was able to be fixed. Thiry dollars later, it turned out to be a fuse, and I had it back less then 24 hours from the time I dropped it off. :) Yeah!
9-11. I'm watching tv and the phone rings. A number that I don't recognize, so I don't answer. After 2-3 more calls from the same number I answer, thinking it might be one of my friends.
Hello?
(Female Voice) Do you know a ______ _______?
No.
Well your number has appeared on my caller id several times.
At first it really didn't register with me who she was referring to, by then it was too late to backtrack. The ambassadors girlfriend that he had "broken up with" was now calling my phone. I repeated that I was sure I didn't know him and we hung up.
The end?
Hardly
She called several more times that night, the last one being at about two in the morning. She left a long message telling me that he lived with her and blah blah blah. I couldn't help but think that if she was as smart as she thought she was, she would have noticed that the last time he called was 2 or 3 months ago. Even then, I had sent him to voicemail.
9-12 I found out that a friend of mine was in a near fatal motorcycle accident the night before. He had been life flighted to a hospital in Columbus. Johnnie drove me to see him after work. He looked better then he should have for a guy that had come so close to death. We walked out with him that night, less than 24 hours after he got there. Even though he still in a lot of pain, he's doing better now.
9-13 Johnnie and I are at lunch and my phone rings again. The same number that had shown a few nights previous. A brief conversation with Johnnie made me answer it.
Hello?
Yeah, I spoke to you the other night and you said you didn't know ______. You didn't have to lie to me, if you had just told me that you knew him...
Ok.. I do know OF him. I don't KNOW him. I did talk to him until he told me that he had a girlfriend. I basically told him he was a looser, and if you'll notice the last time he called me, the call was less then a minute long. I sent him to voice mail.
She said that she did notice, and was just calling to say that she was sorry for being so upset when she had called the night before. I told her it was ok, that I had been in a similar situation before, and I understood. We hung up and thankfully, that was the end of it. If I ever see him again.....
9-16 After ALOT of talking, I agreed to go to a party that a friend of a friends was having. His roomate was going to be there and he wanted us to meet, thinking we might hit it off. I finally gave in, thinking it wouldn't kill me to meet this guy. I got in right away after getting there since they had VIP, and his roommate was really nice. One of the guys there kept making eye contact, and eventually made his way over to talk to me. I wasn't very impressed, and even less impressed when the party broke up and I found myself alone with this guy. I said something about having to get up the next morning, and got out of there as fast as I could.
9-18 The day that mom had been warning me about finally came to pass. Annie was in heat. She was pretty vocal about it too; enough that I was worried about the neighbors hearing her. I thought maybe I could deal with it though.
9-19 I didn't get much sleep the night before because of the cat. I looked online to see how long this could last. It said anywhere from 4-10 days, but that it could happen every few weeks. I still thought maybe I could live with it, at least until I got back from vacation. I went to work both jobs, and came home to the crying cat, thinking that I would need to get this take care of as soon as possible.
9-20 I got about 2 hours of sleep the night before, and that combined with about 12 hours of work wasn't working for me. I think I might have even hung out with Johnnie that night, trying to avoid going home as long as possible.
9-21 I was almost in tears the next morning. I woke up every time she cried, and tried to get her to be quiet, both for me and the neighbors. I had been understanding at first. I mean, we're both women right? But that part had passed,. If I didn't do something soon, one of us was going to have to move out. Mom called the vet to see if they could squeeze her in, and they said they could. I drove her to mom and dad's that night.
She hates car rides, and meowed the whole way there, which was ok. It was NOTHING compared to the racket that she was making at my house. She was quiet though once I brought her in the house. Nothing like a little bit of irony to a story huh? I enjoyed the silence I had on the way home, and the silence that I had once I got in the house even more. I slept better that night than I had in awhile.
9-22 I get in my car the next morning to a very unpleasant smell. I wasn't sure yet what it was. I thought maybe I had spilled the food that mom had sent home with me the night before. Then it hit me. She was scared the night before, and lost control of her bladder in the carrier, it somehow managed to get transfered to my car seat. I bought several things to try to get it out. It's been masked a little bit, but it still smells kind of weird.
I drove to mom and dad's the next night after working both jobs so that she could come home. When I saw how pathetic she looked laying on the couch, I almost felt bad.
Almost.
The month ended alot better than it started though. I just got back from sunny Florida. :)
More on that later. :)
~jenn
9月23日 Song for the momentI love this song, so I had to share.
~jenn
Far Away - Nickelback
This time, This place 9月11日 The day the world went crazy
Ask anyone. Anyone at all, and they'll tell you where they were, and what they were doing.
I was eighteen years old, and employed by a local bank at the time. Normally, I wouldn't have had to be at work until eight-thirty, but all employees were required to be downtown at seven-thirty for a meeting. I was early, and so were a few of the other girls from my office. I remember how cold it was that morning as we waited to get in the building. I could even tell you what I was wearing.
The meeting went by quickly. I was scheduled to visit the office downtown for training because of a new computer system. The training session was located in the basement of that building, and I remembered feeling relieved that it was almost exactly the same format as the system we were using currently. The steps to the room downstairs were visible from my seat, and I remember the look on his face as he came down the stairs.
A plane just hit the World Trade Center!
A plane?!?
Turn on the tv, I'm serious.
Once the TV was turned on and CNN was located, the picture in front of us was exactly as he had said. Smoke poured from one of the towers.
It had to be a mistake right? Some goofy pilot made a tragic mistake. Why would he be flying a plane so low in the city? The room had grown tense with questions and side conversations. None of us thought it could get any worse when the second plane hit.
I remember driving to the office, and turning on the radio to hear music. MUSIC? Didn't they know people were dying? Why wasn't there news on?
I thought maybe the office would be closed. I couldn't imagine working under these conditions, but we carried on much like any other day.
When I got to work, I was informed of the heightened security. I was to keep even my top drawer locked at all times. In my inbox, an email full of precautions awaited me. I scanned over it as talk of robberies, and gas prices soaring filled my ears. Had the world finally gone crazy? My manager had pulled our tv out from the break room and tried unsuccessfully to move the rabbit ears in such a way to be able to find a signal. We could hear what was being said, but the grey and white lines blocked out what we knew was no longer there. In just hours from the first attack, a third plane had hit the pentagon, a fourth had missed its target, presumably the White House, the great twin towers in New York had fallen. Thousands of people were now dead.
I drove home to find the tv on, and I remember sitting down in front of it with my dinner. That night was one of the few times none of us argued over what to watch. As morbid as the scene was, we couldn't pull our eyes away from it. It didn't seem possible. What had we done to provoke such an attack?
The next day we attended a church service downtown. We heard of heroic acts that took place, and people that should have been at work that morning and weren't. Oversleeping, a brief illness, and calling off were a just few reasons why.
I won't ever forget the bagpipes I heard that night, or how cold it was walking back to the car. I'll never forget crying; not just for all the people that had died, but in the manner in which they did. They were just like me. They didn't put themselves unnecessiarily at risk. They went to work, to pay bills, to go home, and spend time with their families. Families that would never see them again.
I found myself in the movie theater a few weeks ago when World Trade Center was released. I've been told I'm crazy for wanting to go see it, because of the depressing nature. I saw it anyway. Not because I wanted to be depressed, or because I was trying to help the box office ratings. I went to see it because I never want to forget that day. I never want to forget that freedom isn't free, and that tomorrow isn't promised.
~jenn
9月7日 Flying Lessons and Plastic Bags
The weekend was stressful, but I've put it off. All weekend I put it off, and I really didn't have an excuse. I guess there's just something about working retail and not wanting to "work it again" when I get home. I keep the dreaded laundry basket hidden behind the bi-fold doors that contain my washer and dryer. I'm not ashamed to say that if you came to my house and opened those doors, that you'd see a moutain higher then most natural land formations. It's safe to say that I don't like folding clothes.
I finally got around to them though Monday night after the rest of the house was clean. I've had the windows open for the last few days because of how cool its been here in the evenings. I even opened up the sliding glass door, and left the screen open for Annie. Since I live on the second floor, I didn't think much about her walking out on the porch and playing, especially with the added bonus of having her out from under my feet for a little while.
She came back in after fifteen minutes to show me the moth she caught, and to torture it in my living room. Shortly afterwards, she went back outside and I finished folding the towels in my basket. Monica called and we had been talking for a while when I told her I left the door open for Annie. Monica seemed to think that I needed to worry about her thinking she could fly. As sister's often do, I disagreed. She wouldn't do that. I'm on the second floor. Once we hung up though I looked out on the porch. No cat.
I walked out on the porch and called her. I didn't hear her pathetic meow right away, but when I saw her I felt bad. She was hiding behind the bushes next to my neighbors patio. Flip flop and a jacket and out the door I went to retrieve the prodigal.
Sounds simple right?
Guess again.
I don't know if she liked her freedom that much, or if it had more to do with her free fall, but she wouldn't come to me. In fact she ran from me. Here I am, it's after ten o'clock, and I'm chasing a cat in the dark. Any of the neighbors that peeked out their windows to see why I was yelling my head off had to have enjoyed what they saw. She went one way and I went the other, looking more like a field rabbit than my house cat.
Just about the time that thoughts of leaving the black and white flash of fur outside, she finally got close enough to me to grab her, and back into the house we went. I figured she'd had enough excitement in her life this week after that but I was wrong.
I also keep my plastic bags from my groceries behind the bi-fold doors, on the floor between the washer and dryer. Because the space behind the washer and the dryer isn't very big, Annie likes to hide there. Only when I see her arm reach out from under the door do I know to open the door for her. She's had to meow to get out at least twice now. For the reason, I leave it open if I'm in a hurry to leave, since I'd much rather her play back there then be stuck waiting on me to get home and let her out.
I was getting ready to go when I heard all the noise coming from the other room. I knew the situation involved some of the plastic bags because of the sound, but wasn't sure how until I rounded the corner.
She had stepped through the handle of one of the bags, and managed to get it stuck around her waist. The source of the noise was her running through the house with it "chasing her". Poor thing, no matter how fast or hard she ran, or how many times she went around the couch, it wouldn't come off. All I could do was stand and laugh at her. I wouldn't have been able to catch her if I had wanted to.
She made one last round around the couch, and then darted under my bed. Unlike a few nights prior, she didn't run from me when I reached under my bed for her. I pulled the now shreaded plastic bag from around her middle and set her back down. Once she was free, she didn't even give it another look, tearing off towards the kitchen like it might come back. :-)
I'm pretty sure that she lost at least one life this weekend. Good thing for her she has nine of them huh? :-)
~jenn
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